I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize