Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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