I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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