just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
