Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
