if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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