I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
