Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
