Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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