We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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