dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's never too late to be topless.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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