I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
