when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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