This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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