Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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