Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
