My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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