I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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