Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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