is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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