I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
These tits shall not be calmed
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
