We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
