Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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