I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
