Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
