we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
