his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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