So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize