Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
