remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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