one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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