I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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