Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
