I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
