dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
