i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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