I will die if light touches me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
