I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize