your parents love me but you hate me
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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