I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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