Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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