I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
