Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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