I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
