i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
