I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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