Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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