She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He better not be in your backpack
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
