jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
