Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
