Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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