Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just threw up on my dentist
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
