so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Randomize
