Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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