Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
there is glitter all over my balls
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
