I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
