i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If I die, sorry about rent.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
