I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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