guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
