Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
